Dear Monday, You Suck

This is what my desk typically looks like when I come back from each weekend. Having left it pristine on Friday, I always feel a little discouraged and overwhemled when I see the treats left to me haphazardly by my co-workers.
Thanks Team.
Wow, there is actually a small space left open in the bottom left hand corner, but actually that is where another stack of papers fell onto the floor :(

A Song for You

Here it is.
But why aren't there songs like this from a woman's perspective?

Thanks a lot Josh

The cat no longer wants to eat cat food. He only wants to eat people food. He never ate people food until you gave it to him. I need you to come make him eat cat food again.

Its a Secret

Things are getting very interesting, but I can't really talk about it yet. Don't want to jinx myself.

Temporary Escape

So instead of friends coming from Houston I went to Houston, and Mr. Cary went too.
What a blast! Shelley is an excellent hostess, got to eat Persian food, workout at the Houstonian, go to a night club in midtown. Only things I ran out of time for were shopping and laying out, but it was too cloudy for that anyway.
I really needed to get away for a weekend. It was nice to not think about how much I miss Josh for five seconds. That lasted through Saturday night, but while at the nightclub some guys were all trying to talk to me and get my #, etc, and I just felt so disgusted. They were nice, handsome boys and all I could think was ugh, get away from me creep.
Then Shelley made me watch the series finale of Dawson's Creek, which she is addicted to, so I cried the whole way home. But crying is good because it makes the hurt wear away more quickly.
I don't like to think of my love life in terms so tragic, but I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel cheated that my youth has been spent without a partner, that I am already nearing the point where celebrating a 50th anniversary will be physically impossible. Why is it that its okay to spend your whole life wishing to be an astronaut or a writer or a wrestler, but frowned upon if you wish and want to be in a long term relationship? To be a couple?
That doesn't make much sense to me, but I'm tired of thinking of it for now.

Sad Happy Sad

I'm going back and forth in my head. I'm trying to not place so much importance in the way I feel right now and just focus on me, on work, on health, on well-being, but I'm still on tear sodden ground and occasionally it falls away from me.
I'm almost to the part where it only sneaks up on me when I sleep, but geez, moving out of this apartment is obviously the next step. Too many damn memories.
I want to cherish them, not have them shoved down my throat everywhere I look.
Spending so much time at work helps now, because it keeps me from having to be at home. But its a habit I have to break soon, before I completely burn myself out and decide to quit or something.
Friends are coming to visit from Houston this weekend. That will be really nice. Maybe I'll finally get some sun :) I hear that sunshine helps elevate your mood....

Buy Me a Backyard

Wise Word

A whole stack of memories never equal one little hope.
Charles M. Schulz

Moving Forward

With life.
Why is it so hard?
Even though I agree this is the best considering the circumstances, I don't want to let go of the things I have helped build. It seems easy for others but for me it is impossible. Just when I start to think I feel better a wave of sadness hits me and I crumble again. I keep thinking this is just a big misunderstanding and everything will rectify itself. But two weeks have gone by with no contact and I know you don't think the same way about this. Isn't that just the root of the problem though...problem for me but maybe not for you. Because I have always been truthful about what I thought and what I wanted and what I wished for and what I planned on and what I dreamed about. Security. A family (without the children of course). A Future. Together. And Forever.
I spent some time with my grandmother this weekend and she was so sad. Sad because my grandfather died 15 years ago and she's be alone and soldiering on for this long and is tired with no reprieve in sight. I love her and it makes me so sad to be shown that ultimately this is how it is in life, and all we can do is to love on and to take all of the warmth and store it away for the cold times.
I have a lot of warmth right now. Warmth when I think about the wonderful times we had together. Warmth when I think about the way you smell when I wake up next to you. Warmth when I think about the way you make me giggle and then laugh uncontrollably. I have only good thoughts of you, despite the circumstances, and can only wish and hope and dream that whatever it is you couldn't find in me...well, that someday I could be that way so...or maybe that you can...or I don't know. I don't know if I want to wish you well or to wish me well.
I kinda feel like being mad at you but I can't quite. I'm trying to take store of what has been and what could and/or can be. To trust myself to be myself even when I think myself isn't good enough. Not enough to hold on to you. Not enough to satisfy me. Maybe this is just the thing I needed to come to terms with the uncertainty I felt about my purpose and goals...but why do life lessons have to be so hard to swallow?
Someday I know I will look back on this as a turning point in my life. Maybe you will look on it the same way.
Until then...well, until then, please know that I loved you completely. excuse me, i love you completely. period.
and thank you for everything

Step One

Mine

Advice from a Cell Phone

My horoscope this morning said

"If something is broken fix it right away and get on with your life".

So, my heart is broken, but I'm not sure how to fix it.

Everyone feels the same right?

I'm having an inward struggle lately. I can't quite figure out what I want to do with my time...now or in the future. It's a problem I recognize I've been struggling with for many many years, it just seems for some reason to be really important right now, as if: If i don't figure out what to do now I might waste the rest of my life doing the wrong thing or nothing.
I'm just not really sure what I want.
I know I want some sense of security and freedom from financial worry, but that seems like a somewhat short term goal. I don't really have any aspirations of grandeur so I'm really having the damndest time coming up with something for the "Someday".
There's no "big idea" or "top goal" for me.
All of my "goals" seem so little and insignificant.
Take my new year's resolutions for example: They pretty much sum up everything I'm working towards right now. So what happens when I achieve them? I make up another set of really doable short term goals?
Maybe a long term goal should be to come up with a long term goal.
I've talked sometimes about wanting to run a wellness facility, but not because its any big dream of mine but because I know I could do it and would enjoy working for myself, but to be quite honest I'm not that keen on the idea of owning my own business because of all of the trouble I know it brings.
I don't desire to be a parent. Period. And personally I think a lot of people in my situation right now choose that option as an alternative to coming up with something better.
Maybe that's why I feel so urgent and glum about this, but surely I'm too young for the ol' tick tock?
I do feel something like uniqueness (but in a bad way) about not having a "dream". And its not like I'm apathetic; I care passionately about a lot of things, just mostly in a philosophical way.
I guess my dream would be to share my opinions about things and get paid for it, but at the same time I have no desire to be a writer (obviously, or I might be a little more diligent about blogging as a start) nor do I wish to be a commentator or a debater or whatever else one may be in the opinions field. Because ultimately opinions have opposites, and both are usually equal. I read once that the truly wise know better than to argue their own opinions because the battle is lost by beginning.
Perhaps my goal should then simply to be truly wise. And never tell anyone about it.

Laying off the iTrain

Last night Josh says to me "Babe, you're working out too much, you don't want your arms to look like Cameron Diaz's"

What's so bad about that?

Okay, but the stomach is gross:

An iTunes weekend!

My boyfriend got me a new ipod!!!!!!
I'm in total shock and am blown away by his generosity and thoughtfulness.
So now comes the task of taking all my old music off my mini and transferring it to my sleek new nano (with Nike+ attachments!!!).
Problem solved easily enough.
Now I'm waiting for iTunes to import all the data and then me, being the type A gal that I am, will sit here for the rest of the weekend perfecting my library and making sure everything is spelled right and spaced right and at the right volume, etc.
I guess I may squeeze in time for a workout or two too.
Then I have a birthday party to go to tomorrow night and my friend Sarah is visiting from Houston tonight so I'm going to try to meet up with her.
Guess I should get going!

Catharsis

I feel a lot better today. About work I mean. I went to the ballet on Thursday night and it was a much needed dose of culture/art therapy. It made me feel much better about my job.
I'm still stuck though:
I can't figure out how to gracefully approach the fact that even working at a break neck pace, I'm not getting my work done in 40 hours a week. I don't think anyone could. Not working the unpaid overtime has only resulted in me missing deadlines, which makes me look worse, not better. Do I continue to put in overtime so that I make my deadlines, or do I keep missing my deadlines and look like I can't do the job? Its sticky.
Also, I'm not being reimbursed for mileage and I'm having to use my car quite a bit for various errands like going to the bank and post office.
I've approached my manager about it several times and his solution is to offer me alternate working hours and help from the other staff. Except that I feel like this is a non-solution because we're so busy I can't really not be here during regular office hours (not because I'm so indispensable but because we are short staffed). Also, the other people in this office are too busy to take time away from their primary functions to help me, so...
And that doesn't address the mileage issue either (maybe 15-20 dollars /week?)
ugh, what to do?
I'm just going to try that Secret hooey and put it out to the universe that I love my job, I make so much money, I have such a fulfilling and happy life.
I meet all of my deadlines and have time to spare.
I drive a new Prius so I don't have to worry about mileage reimbursements.
I am compensated more than fairly for my tremendous efforts.
I am blessed.
I hear that if you blog about it the universe hears you more rapidly ;)

I literally just threw up

That's how sick my job is making me. Yuk :(

I hate my job

Its official: My job is sucking the life from me.
It makes me nauseous.
I want to quit.
I cried all day because the stress has completely broken my spirit.
I'm tired of working overtime and not getting paid for it.
I'm tired of working overtime and not getting all of my work done because I spend so much time doing other people's work and picking up the slack for their lazy asses.
I'm tired of things trickling down to me from all levels because no on else has any follow through.
I want a new job.
I'll be in tomorrow and hope for the best.
I want to be positive about my situation, but every day I start out that way and within 30 minutes I'm completely zapped of all my positive rationales for why I keep showing up to be shat upon.
This is a nightmare.

The best website mashup ever?

I listened to a podcast today describing a website called netvibes.com as the best website ever. According to the reviewer, it made his life so much easier because because because. So I checked it out tonight. Definitely cool, but I'm not sure it would help me as much as someone like say my man because I don't really spend that much time online except for shopping, ebaying, and email.
The one thing it did lead me to realize is that its probably high time to stop using my yahoo email account and switch entirely to my gmail. Problem is that I've had the yahoo account since I was 19 and all these people have that address and not my gmail address, so its something I'll have to spend some time thinking about.
In the meantime, my new favorite thing is iTrain. I downloaded a workout from this website last week and tried it out on Saturday. Awesome! Just like working out with a trainer but way cheaper (around $4.99 for a 40 minute workout). I don't think it would work as well for people new to working out who may not be familiar with equipment and proper form, but since I've worked out with a trainer in the past and am pretty well versed on how not to injure myself doing exercises I think its really going to help me out with my current problem of not really having a plan or focus when I go to the gym. The workout led me through cardio and weights, counted all my reps for me, told me when to ramp it up and when to bring it down again, and basically kept changing up what I was doing so that I avoided boredom. Just what I've been looking for!

Long time no blog

I actually had time time to take a nap today which is allowing me to be up past my normal bedtime. Perfect time for blogging, as I've no patience for cleaning right now and that's what I really need to do.

I had a note in my calendar at the beginning of last month to check in with my NYR's. So far, I have not done a great job of keeping up with my friends, but I have done better about keeping in touch with my family. Except Mom called 4 or 5 times this last week because Dad had decided that he hadn't heard from me enough lately and so he was worried. I have been SO busy with work. Now, I don't mind working hard for my $$, but things feel just a little bit out of hand. I finally put my foot down about working unpaid overtime. Basically I'm not doing it anymore until they come up with some sort of additional compensation package for me. My employee housing allowance has made it through a second tier of approvals, but no word yet on when (or if) I'll be getting an apartment. Gosh, that would make things so much better. As I was thinking about this I realized that I haven't even been there 90 days yet. It feels like forever! My 90 day mark will be next Monday. That's not even 90 business days tough. Hmm, I wonder when that would be?? 6 weeks? I've made tons of progress. I can't help but think that the management company I work for might have lost this account if they hadn't found me. I now have almost all of the bills paid, most of the income straightened out, and am beginning to implement budget control measures. But each day I feel like I'm sprinting to finish all my work all day long, and I don't really like to think of keeping up that pace indefinitely. I think I'm going to try and start working one Sunday a month and taking off the Wednesday of that week. That will give me almost a full day with no interruptions to just focus on my paperwork.

The job has been an obstacle to my other goals: I am only able to make it to the gym once or twice per week, so I have not really lost any weight. I did go on Weight Watcher's with my mom (for support) and lost five pounds, but I found the system too tedious and the meetings awful so I quit. I gained back 3 of those pounds, but I'm pretty sure they're muscle, as I am now squeezing into a size 6 and fitting pretty comfortably into an 8. Last year at this time I was wearing a 12, so that's pretty good. My house has been okay clean except for right now when I think its the dirtiest its been in a month. Never being home helps with this. I'm hoping I'll get to move soon so I can skip the rest of the reno projects, but I don't have any extra cash to spend on house things right now anyway.

Which brings me to the one benefit the job has provided: I've been so busy I haven't had time to shop or go out to eat or go out with friends and therefore I've been socking away the dough. Not as much as I'd like or had calculated, but I'm getting closer and closer to liquidating my credit card debt, improving my credit and getting my PRIUS. I did have a bit of a setback last weekend as I had to go buy some hot weather work clothing. Its not going as quickly as I thought it would which is a little discouraging. I'm supposed to get a bonus this pay period for all the extra work I've been doing so that will help. I still have to buy a few more work clothes (boo!) but maybe my adding a weekend day will help with this.

Having off a weekday will be so great! Josh has Wednesday's off too so it will give us some extra time to spend together!
I've been in such a whir lately, my brain feels very rushed and unfocused. Its a result of all the stress I'm experiencing at work, but I guess that's why they call it work. Actually, I have managed to get myself into a not terribly desirable situation. But I am convinced that with some more extra effort now, on the front end, the pressure will slacken soon.
Tomorrow I am going to wear comfy shoes to work so that I can finally complete a reconnaissance mission I've been hoping to get to for weeks. It involves maps and parking spot/storage closet locations. And bags full of unmarked keys. Yay!

New Job Blues

Its been almost 2 months since the last time I posted. Primarily, this is because I'm working crazy hours at my new job, trying to fix four months of mistakes and laziness left by the previous 4 accountants who tried to do this job. Its Tuesday and I've already logged almost 24 hours. Let me repeat that: Its Tuesday and I've ALREADY worked almost (very near to) 24 hours. Now I know why they call it the 18 hour bra (although I don't own one).
I get Friday off which I"m excited about, but the day to day routine has really got to change or else. I haven't been to the gym, the grocery, the post office, the anything on even nearly a regular basis. I'm barely seeing Josh at all which is really making me sad. I haven't spent much time with Friends or Family and everything I manage to do feels obligatory and all I can think about is how much work I have to do. So, obviously not my idea of a great lifestyle. And these days I'm all about the quality of life. And its not up to par, so I guess I have to 'work' on that too.