I'm so Hungry

My stomach is growling. Badly. Ow.

We had our monthly company lunch meeting today and my boss picked up Antone's po-boys for everyone on his way back to the office from a morning meeting. Only he forgot to get any meatless choices. So I literally had pickles and a slice of cheese on bread with mayo and a diet coke for lunch. I haven't had any meat, wait that's a lie. I had a piece of very expensive prosciutto last week at a party and I nearly spat it out because it truly grossed me out. But I swallowed it because it would have been way rude to spit out a hunk of meat at a party. Even if I managed to do it daintily with a napkin or something.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was cleaning up Thanksgiving dinner and a piece of ham dropped to the floor and I ate it before anyone saw it. Except I don't think that dream had to do with eating meat. I think it had another meaning, but I haven't figured it out yet.

Brilliant Girl Moves In, Gets Frustrated, Drinks a Beer and Goes to Bed

So I went to Home Depot and got the dryer vent last night. House didn't have a dryer vent, only a hole in the wall approximately the size and shape of a dryer vent. But I can't just vent the dryer exhaust into the walls (unless I want to catch the house on fire or attract mice) so I needed a vent with a hooded flap on the outside. So I got one, easy enough, only it didn't fit,and I cut my hand and broke it trying to make it fit.

So I moved on to the bathroom. I was going to move the curtain rod and then sand the wall and paint. Only when I moved the rod it pulled a chunk of wall out. A big chunk. So I had to patch that up and move on to something else.

I started putting boxes in their respective rooms.

Got the bedroom taped up for painting.

Took a shower with no curtain, cleaned up the water and went to bed.

Then the cats started fighting. Cary has decided to chase Gracie down until she lets him near her, and she's not having it.

Then the neighbors had people over and hung out in the backyard, but they weren't too loud until they went upstairs to have sex.

Okay, so that doesn't have much to do with the shape of the house, it just topped off a really frustrating night.

So I'm leaving it alone until next weekend. Not going to worry about the floors or unpacking or painting or organizing or cleaning or the yard or anything! And if I'm lucky I won't go completely mental between now and then.

My Favorite

Oh Boy! I'm about to leave the office to pick up my absolute favorite: Star Pizza.
Yum.

The ClothesHorse has a Reality Check

I have come to realize that cute old houses and great spacious closets do not often go together. I knew this before but chose to ignore it. And by ignoring it I have got myself into a pickle: I'm moving into an adorable older duplex this weekend with only two 2x4 closets.
Now, I only brought my summer clothes down with me from Austin because I knew I would have a place by the fall. My friend has a great big walk in closet in her guest bedroom, about 10 feet wide and two tiered. Just my summer clothes filled that closet. So what about my winter stuff? And all the clothes I need to buy to fill out the randomness of my wardrobe which I must admit has great single pieces that don't go with anything else I own.
I can hold off on the purchasing for a while (although I need need need some boots and something to wear with gray pants), but I can feel the necessity of a solution which may end up being aesthetically displeasing. I've started to think that I can turn one entire wall of the guest bedroom into an ugly clothing storage space, but something will have to eventually be done about that as the whole point of getting this place is to make it a really adorable place to come home to each night ( as long as I'm coming home alone, I might as well be able to enjoy it).
I need to find my camera so I can actually post some pictures of this place, then maybe benevolent blog readers would give me some tips on what to do with the space. I am admittedly not the best decorator but I've got some ideas I'm working with now and would like to be able to put up the photos. Oh well, I think I left it at Kate's house. Maybe if I had another purse to carry the camera in I wouldn't lose it....

Oh, and one more thing

I've decided to be a vegetarian. Ovo-Lacto and some Pesco.

Thinking about eating meat that comes from factory animals sicks me out, and the thing is that I didn't think about it before. Where I grew up, we slaughtered our own meat, and I never had a problem with it. But when I heard that pigs are often unstunned when they are dumped into vats of boiling water, thus drowning in boiling water, that was it. So if anything, I might eat beef or lamb on rare occasion, and probably only if I had it slaughtered myself, like I did with a lamb this year. Like my pal Kathleen says "sometimes you just wanna have a hamburger". But primarily its veggies and tofu and cheese for me. And I feel the opposite of sicked out about it.

Yes, I have been that busy

So much is going on these days I hardly have time to sleep let alone blog, but I have thought for some time that I needed to post an update so here it is.

Houston is treating me mighty fine. Its like I never left - I've fallen back so comfortably into a lifestyle I subconsciously missed. So many of the things I was feeling angst over have disappeared into the city crowds. And I haven't even been to the museum yet (although the current exhibit beckons me, it features fine jewelery through the ages)!

I still think about Joshua constantly, but most of the time now I'm angry instead of sad, so that's a step in the right direction.

I'm loving my job....finally! I work with a very cool, close group of designers who are intelligent and witty and have wholeheartedly welcomed me into the company, immediately making me feel integral and necessary. It doesn't hurt that my first week there I discovered the previous accountant had embezzled a large sum of money. We've pressed charges and a large part of my day involves working with the insurance company and the D.A. compiling evidence for the trial.

I move into my new place in the next few weeks. Its being made ready after being destroyed by the previous tenants. What an adventure this is going to be, as I'm not quite sure I haven't bitten off more than I can chew. Its a big apartment, maybe 1100 sq. ft., the bottom floor of a duplex, and I may have to put some work into to make it nice. But its in the Montrose, just 2 miles from work, 4 blocks from my pal Sarah's, 8 blocks from my university and the Menil. Perfect.

I have pictures I really want to post of my friend's Lisa and Kate and I going to San Saba dove hunting on Tara's ranch. About a mile from the house my brand new car got stuck in the mud up to the door and got mud all inside the car too. Fortunately, we were able to get it out and no damage appears to have been done and I was finally able to get all the mud out. Lisa has the photos on her camera and keeps forgetting to send them to me, but they're hilarious so I have to share.

Also, I've started running more frequently and went on a 5 mile run last Sunday night, which is about as far as I've managed to go at any one time. Kate wants me to run a 5k with her soon and I was like "no way can I run a 5k" and she was like "dude, its only 3 miles" and I said "whoa, I do that all the time"!

And finally, Mr. Cary has a sister now! Her name is Grace Kelly and she is a stray calico that wandered up to Kate's house. I gave up the dog idea even though I'm going to be living alone because a. the landlord didn't want to permit a dog and b. it was Josh who really wanted the dog and I was just going along with it because I loved him and wanted to bring him joy. So here's hoping the next man I meet is a cat lover, although I'm not that worried about because thinking about other men right now makes me ill. The girls have 'introduced' me to no less than 6 guys in the past two weeks and I just laugh and think "well, when I am ready I guess I'll have a pretty good selection". But not yet.

Who's Afraid of the Dark?

Well, me, actually. It took exactly 3 days of being alone in this big empty house for me to start freaking out at every little noise. Its so frustrating to be this way. Its one of my most embarrassing and yet unconquerable weaknesses. I get so sick of having so many irrational fears and yet even though I am aware of them I have a hard time suppressing them. For example, right now I am even afraid that as I sit here outside I will be bitten by a west nile infected mosquito and because I'm in the waiting period for my health insurance I may actually get sick. Then I have visions creep into my head of all of the complications brought about by this illness that doesn't exist.
I don't take baths because I am afraid of drowning.
I don't get in the ocean because I am afraid of sharks.
I won't live in an apartment complex because I am afraid of serial killers.
Every time my mother calls I have to answer the phone because i think she's calling to tell me someone has died.
I avoid long bridges because I am afraid they will collapse.
I don't like tall buildings because I think they will fall over.
I avoid flying because there's a slim chance the plane will crash.
I don't like gas stoves because I think they might explode.
I get so terrified at what might happen that sometimes it keeps me from living.
And that is truly ridiculous.

But I'm strong too, I mean I did quit my job and everything I had going in Austin and just moved to Houston. I think I should be allowed to be silly sometimes when I temper it with brave things.

Dear Monday, You Suck

This is what my desk typically looks like when I come back from each weekend. Having left it pristine on Friday, I always feel a little discouraged and overwhemled when I see the treats left to me haphazardly by my co-workers.
Thanks Team.
Wow, there is actually a small space left open in the bottom left hand corner, but actually that is where another stack of papers fell onto the floor :(

A Song for You

Here it is.
But why aren't there songs like this from a woman's perspective?

Thanks a lot Josh

The cat no longer wants to eat cat food. He only wants to eat people food. He never ate people food until you gave it to him. I need you to come make him eat cat food again.

Its a Secret

Things are getting very interesting, but I can't really talk about it yet. Don't want to jinx myself.

Temporary Escape

So instead of friends coming from Houston I went to Houston, and Mr. Cary went too.
What a blast! Shelley is an excellent hostess, got to eat Persian food, workout at the Houstonian, go to a night club in midtown. Only things I ran out of time for were shopping and laying out, but it was too cloudy for that anyway.
I really needed to get away for a weekend. It was nice to not think about how much I miss Josh for five seconds. That lasted through Saturday night, but while at the nightclub some guys were all trying to talk to me and get my #, etc, and I just felt so disgusted. They were nice, handsome boys and all I could think was ugh, get away from me creep.
Then Shelley made me watch the series finale of Dawson's Creek, which she is addicted to, so I cried the whole way home. But crying is good because it makes the hurt wear away more quickly.
I don't like to think of my love life in terms so tragic, but I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel cheated that my youth has been spent without a partner, that I am already nearing the point where celebrating a 50th anniversary will be physically impossible. Why is it that its okay to spend your whole life wishing to be an astronaut or a writer or a wrestler, but frowned upon if you wish and want to be in a long term relationship? To be a couple?
That doesn't make much sense to me, but I'm tired of thinking of it for now.

Sad Happy Sad

I'm going back and forth in my head. I'm trying to not place so much importance in the way I feel right now and just focus on me, on work, on health, on well-being, but I'm still on tear sodden ground and occasionally it falls away from me.
I'm almost to the part where it only sneaks up on me when I sleep, but geez, moving out of this apartment is obviously the next step. Too many damn memories.
I want to cherish them, not have them shoved down my throat everywhere I look.
Spending so much time at work helps now, because it keeps me from having to be at home. But its a habit I have to break soon, before I completely burn myself out and decide to quit or something.
Friends are coming to visit from Houston this weekend. That will be really nice. Maybe I'll finally get some sun :) I hear that sunshine helps elevate your mood....

Buy Me a Backyard

Wise Word

A whole stack of memories never equal one little hope.
Charles M. Schulz

Moving Forward

With life.
Why is it so hard?
Even though I agree this is the best considering the circumstances, I don't want to let go of the things I have helped build. It seems easy for others but for me it is impossible. Just when I start to think I feel better a wave of sadness hits me and I crumble again. I keep thinking this is just a big misunderstanding and everything will rectify itself. But two weeks have gone by with no contact and I know you don't think the same way about this. Isn't that just the root of the problem though...problem for me but maybe not for you. Because I have always been truthful about what I thought and what I wanted and what I wished for and what I planned on and what I dreamed about. Security. A family (without the children of course). A Future. Together. And Forever.
I spent some time with my grandmother this weekend and she was so sad. Sad because my grandfather died 15 years ago and she's be alone and soldiering on for this long and is tired with no reprieve in sight. I love her and it makes me so sad to be shown that ultimately this is how it is in life, and all we can do is to love on and to take all of the warmth and store it away for the cold times.
I have a lot of warmth right now. Warmth when I think about the wonderful times we had together. Warmth when I think about the way you smell when I wake up next to you. Warmth when I think about the way you make me giggle and then laugh uncontrollably. I have only good thoughts of you, despite the circumstances, and can only wish and hope and dream that whatever it is you couldn't find in me...well, that someday I could be that way so...or maybe that you can...or I don't know. I don't know if I want to wish you well or to wish me well.
I kinda feel like being mad at you but I can't quite. I'm trying to take store of what has been and what could and/or can be. To trust myself to be myself even when I think myself isn't good enough. Not enough to hold on to you. Not enough to satisfy me. Maybe this is just the thing I needed to come to terms with the uncertainty I felt about my purpose and goals...but why do life lessons have to be so hard to swallow?
Someday I know I will look back on this as a turning point in my life. Maybe you will look on it the same way.
Until then...well, until then, please know that I loved you completely. excuse me, i love you completely. period.
and thank you for everything

Step One

Mine

Advice from a Cell Phone

My horoscope this morning said

"If something is broken fix it right away and get on with your life".

So, my heart is broken, but I'm not sure how to fix it.

Everyone feels the same right?

I'm having an inward struggle lately. I can't quite figure out what I want to do with my time...now or in the future. It's a problem I recognize I've been struggling with for many many years, it just seems for some reason to be really important right now, as if: If i don't figure out what to do now I might waste the rest of my life doing the wrong thing or nothing.
I'm just not really sure what I want.
I know I want some sense of security and freedom from financial worry, but that seems like a somewhat short term goal. I don't really have any aspirations of grandeur so I'm really having the damndest time coming up with something for the "Someday".
There's no "big idea" or "top goal" for me.
All of my "goals" seem so little and insignificant.
Take my new year's resolutions for example: They pretty much sum up everything I'm working towards right now. So what happens when I achieve them? I make up another set of really doable short term goals?
Maybe a long term goal should be to come up with a long term goal.
I've talked sometimes about wanting to run a wellness facility, but not because its any big dream of mine but because I know I could do it and would enjoy working for myself, but to be quite honest I'm not that keen on the idea of owning my own business because of all of the trouble I know it brings.
I don't desire to be a parent. Period. And personally I think a lot of people in my situation right now choose that option as an alternative to coming up with something better.
Maybe that's why I feel so urgent and glum about this, but surely I'm too young for the ol' tick tock?
I do feel something like uniqueness (but in a bad way) about not having a "dream". And its not like I'm apathetic; I care passionately about a lot of things, just mostly in a philosophical way.
I guess my dream would be to share my opinions about things and get paid for it, but at the same time I have no desire to be a writer (obviously, or I might be a little more diligent about blogging as a start) nor do I wish to be a commentator or a debater or whatever else one may be in the opinions field. Because ultimately opinions have opposites, and both are usually equal. I read once that the truly wise know better than to argue their own opinions because the battle is lost by beginning.
Perhaps my goal should then simply to be truly wise. And never tell anyone about it.

Laying off the iTrain

Last night Josh says to me "Babe, you're working out too much, you don't want your arms to look like Cameron Diaz's"

What's so bad about that?

Okay, but the stomach is gross: