Moving Forward

With life.
Why is it so hard?
Even though I agree this is the best considering the circumstances, I don't want to let go of the things I have helped build. It seems easy for others but for me it is impossible. Just when I start to think I feel better a wave of sadness hits me and I crumble again. I keep thinking this is just a big misunderstanding and everything will rectify itself. But two weeks have gone by with no contact and I know you don't think the same way about this. Isn't that just the root of the problem though...problem for me but maybe not for you. Because I have always been truthful about what I thought and what I wanted and what I wished for and what I planned on and what I dreamed about. Security. A family (without the children of course). A Future. Together. And Forever.
I spent some time with my grandmother this weekend and she was so sad. Sad because my grandfather died 15 years ago and she's be alone and soldiering on for this long and is tired with no reprieve in sight. I love her and it makes me so sad to be shown that ultimately this is how it is in life, and all we can do is to love on and to take all of the warmth and store it away for the cold times.
I have a lot of warmth right now. Warmth when I think about the wonderful times we had together. Warmth when I think about the way you smell when I wake up next to you. Warmth when I think about the way you make me giggle and then laugh uncontrollably. I have only good thoughts of you, despite the circumstances, and can only wish and hope and dream that whatever it is you couldn't find in me...well, that someday I could be that way so...or maybe that you can...or I don't know. I don't know if I want to wish you well or to wish me well.
I kinda feel like being mad at you but I can't quite. I'm trying to take store of what has been and what could and/or can be. To trust myself to be myself even when I think myself isn't good enough. Not enough to hold on to you. Not enough to satisfy me. Maybe this is just the thing I needed to come to terms with the uncertainty I felt about my purpose and goals...but why do life lessons have to be so hard to swallow?
Someday I know I will look back on this as a turning point in my life. Maybe you will look on it the same way.
Until then...well, until then, please know that I loved you completely. excuse me, i love you completely. period.
and thank you for everything