Thanks a lot Josh

The cat no longer wants to eat cat food. He only wants to eat people food. He never ate people food until you gave it to him. I need you to come make him eat cat food again.

Its a Secret

Things are getting very interesting, but I can't really talk about it yet. Don't want to jinx myself.

Temporary Escape

So instead of friends coming from Houston I went to Houston, and Mr. Cary went too.
What a blast! Shelley is an excellent hostess, got to eat Persian food, workout at the Houstonian, go to a night club in midtown. Only things I ran out of time for were shopping and laying out, but it was too cloudy for that anyway.
I really needed to get away for a weekend. It was nice to not think about how much I miss Josh for five seconds. That lasted through Saturday night, but while at the nightclub some guys were all trying to talk to me and get my #, etc, and I just felt so disgusted. They were nice, handsome boys and all I could think was ugh, get away from me creep.
Then Shelley made me watch the series finale of Dawson's Creek, which she is addicted to, so I cried the whole way home. But crying is good because it makes the hurt wear away more quickly.
I don't like to think of my love life in terms so tragic, but I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel cheated that my youth has been spent without a partner, that I am already nearing the point where celebrating a 50th anniversary will be physically impossible. Why is it that its okay to spend your whole life wishing to be an astronaut or a writer or a wrestler, but frowned upon if you wish and want to be in a long term relationship? To be a couple?
That doesn't make much sense to me, but I'm tired of thinking of it for now.

Sad Happy Sad

I'm going back and forth in my head. I'm trying to not place so much importance in the way I feel right now and just focus on me, on work, on health, on well-being, but I'm still on tear sodden ground and occasionally it falls away from me.
I'm almost to the part where it only sneaks up on me when I sleep, but geez, moving out of this apartment is obviously the next step. Too many damn memories.
I want to cherish them, not have them shoved down my throat everywhere I look.
Spending so much time at work helps now, because it keeps me from having to be at home. But its a habit I have to break soon, before I completely burn myself out and decide to quit or something.
Friends are coming to visit from Houston this weekend. That will be really nice. Maybe I'll finally get some sun :) I hear that sunshine helps elevate your mood....

Buy Me a Backyard

Wise Word

A whole stack of memories never equal one little hope.
Charles M. Schulz

Moving Forward

With life.
Why is it so hard?
Even though I agree this is the best considering the circumstances, I don't want to let go of the things I have helped build. It seems easy for others but for me it is impossible. Just when I start to think I feel better a wave of sadness hits me and I crumble again. I keep thinking this is just a big misunderstanding and everything will rectify itself. But two weeks have gone by with no contact and I know you don't think the same way about this. Isn't that just the root of the problem though...problem for me but maybe not for you. Because I have always been truthful about what I thought and what I wanted and what I wished for and what I planned on and what I dreamed about. Security. A family (without the children of course). A Future. Together. And Forever.
I spent some time with my grandmother this weekend and she was so sad. Sad because my grandfather died 15 years ago and she's be alone and soldiering on for this long and is tired with no reprieve in sight. I love her and it makes me so sad to be shown that ultimately this is how it is in life, and all we can do is to love on and to take all of the warmth and store it away for the cold times.
I have a lot of warmth right now. Warmth when I think about the wonderful times we had together. Warmth when I think about the way you smell when I wake up next to you. Warmth when I think about the way you make me giggle and then laugh uncontrollably. I have only good thoughts of you, despite the circumstances, and can only wish and hope and dream that whatever it is you couldn't find in me...well, that someday I could be that way so...or maybe that you can...or I don't know. I don't know if I want to wish you well or to wish me well.
I kinda feel like being mad at you but I can't quite. I'm trying to take store of what has been and what could and/or can be. To trust myself to be myself even when I think myself isn't good enough. Not enough to hold on to you. Not enough to satisfy me. Maybe this is just the thing I needed to come to terms with the uncertainty I felt about my purpose and goals...but why do life lessons have to be so hard to swallow?
Someday I know I will look back on this as a turning point in my life. Maybe you will look on it the same way.
Until then...well, until then, please know that I loved you completely. excuse me, i love you completely. period.
and thank you for everything

Step One

Mine